Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My dearest Noah

I meant to write you this letter last week on your birthday, but with all of the craziness the day slipped away before I could get my thoughts down. You have taught me so much in your short three years. You have shown me how much love I have. It is more than I ever thought possible. We tried so hard for so long just to have you. When you entered our world with all of the trials and tribulations that you had, you changed us, me especially. I knew that I was a strong person, but I had no idea how strong I was until I had you. I also learned that I don't always have to be the strong one, sometimes it is okay to lean on those around you. And that's what I did. Your daddy was my rock and I leaned on him. I let go of feeling like I had to be strong all the time, and let myself show my emotions and my vulnerability. When everything happened with my job and staying home with you, you taught me that it is okay to not have everything planned out. Sometimes it is okay to just roll with what life deals you. You taught me that I don't have to have a classroom to be a teacher. You showed me that my classroom is the backyard, and the grocery store, and the car. You taught me to enjoy the little things. You taught me to enjoy life and not worry so much about what anyone else thinks. You taught me to enjoy every second and make it memorable. Whether we are running through the sprinklers in our best clothes or jamming out to your favorite Barney song in the car, every moment is special. You have challenged me to be better and you have tested me sometimes beyond what I thought possible. You love the way only a child does, completely and wonderfully. You love your family and friends. I love seeing the relationship you are building with your sister. You love to make her laugh, and you are always there to comfort her when she needs it. You make me laugh everyday. You are the funniest guy I know. I love watching you and the way you look at the world and find the humor in it. I love that you always want to make sure everyone around you is happy. And if they are not, I love that you are always ready to offer a hug to make them happy. You have a kind heart and a loving soul. I feel blessed to be your mommy. I cannot wait to see what your future holds. I can't wait to have more adventures with you. I love you more than words can say. You are my sweet, loving Noah Bear. I love you more each and every day!

Love always,

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

I have reflected a lot today on motherhood. I used to wonder if I would ever celebrate this day. For years, we struggled with infertility due to my PCOS. Now I celebrate this day with my two special blessings.
I remember mother’s day three years ago. I thought I had another 3 months before my first little blessing was coming and then there he was about 2 weeks later. It was like being thrown into motherhood and all of its challenges all at once. I know every mother worries about their children from the second they are born. But these are normal fears. There are fears about childhood illnesses and what their future will hold. And these are very real fears. My fears with my first little blessing were brain bleeds, feeding tubes, and over stimulating his tiny nervous system. My fear was not about how I was going to be able to handle dealing with a three day old baby at home, it was wondering how I was going to deal with going home in three days to an empty house. The ride down the hallway, holding my special bundle all tucked neatly into his car seat on our way home was replaced with my sobs as I made that ride alone. It was watching the window where his isolette was positioned getting further and further away as we drove off. I was told when and for how long I could hold my child. We had a checklist of tasks that had to be accomplished before we could take him home. I kept that in my mind constantly and asked everyday, praying there was another check in our column. When we brought him home, we were in for a whole new set of challenges. We saw specialists and had weekly weight checks. We watched carefully for any signs of developmental delays. And we prayed everyday for him to be okay. Now almost three years later, we have this little bundle of energy. He has grown into an awesome little boy. It amazes me how much has changed in just three short years.
Now I have my second blessing. I had the normal experience with her, and it was so different. I was totally amazed at all the things that I didn’t deal with when we had Noah. I remember worrying about Maddie’s little cord. By the time Noah got home, it was long gone. I had no idea what to do with that. Maddie was the typical newborn baby, a phase that was not really there with Noah. He was still very little when we brought him home, but being in the NICU had given him a set schedule, not something we had with Maddie. My fears for Maddie are different than my fears for Noah where. At almost 5 months I was concerned with milestones and eating and sleeping. Maybe it is because she is my second or maybe because she was not a preemie, I don’t worry about that stuff as much. Sure I hope she sleeps through the night, and I watch for her milestones, but I don’t obsess like I did with Noah. I know she will get there when she’s ready, not when the books say she should. I just put together her first photo album. I was looking at pictures from her first few weeks, and she has changed so much. She has such a cute little personality. She loves to smile and be cuddled. And she loves her big brother. Nothing is sweeter than watching Noah jump up and down to make her laugh. And when she does, he laughs right along with her. It is the music of our lives. And no sound could be sweeter.
So today, I thought about all of this and so much more. We had them dedicated at our new church today. I teared up when they read the little description I had written. It made me so thankful that I have these two wonderful little people in my life. So happy mother’s day to all of you mommies out there. And for any of you still waiting, be patient and have faith. It may take a long time and maybe your path to motherhood will not come they way you expect, but just have faith that you will get there.