Why?

There are so many times in my life that I have asked why.  Why was it so hard for me to have kids?  Why did Noah have to be born so early?  Why did Toby have to go through everything with his eyes? Why did things go so wrong for me regarding my job? on and on and on...
Recently, I have been asking why a lot having to do with Noah.  Why does everything have to be so hard for him?  Things that are so easy for other kids are so much harder for him.  I watched him recently at the PE showcase for his school. He struggled with the dancing moves so much because of his sensory issues and lack of control.  I watched him at his carnival.  He wanted to ride the carousel, but only on the bench that would not go up and down.  When he finally got on the ride, he did not want to go through with it.  We convinced him to go for the ride, and I filmed the whole thing tears streaming down my face that he was able to do the ride and actually enjoyed it.  All the while Maddie was riding it with no problems whatsoever.  It just makes me so upset.  Why does he have to deal with this?  Why do all the other little boys get to participate in sports, but he can't because he only has one kidney?  Why is his monthly medicine bill close to $400 just to keep him semi healthy?  Why are there no cures for anything he has?  Why my son?  Why my precious child?
Now I am also getting so frustrated with school issues for Noah.  He is very advanced, but I don't think that he is being challenged nor will he ever be challenged in public school due to the testing mentality that has such a strong hold on all of Texas public schools.  It makes me angry, and it makes me ask why are we doing this to our children?  Why have we replaced teaching with test prep?  Why do we continually fail our children and then wonder why they are not successful?  Why can't the powers that be down in Austin see that they are killing our education system and not saving it?  I have spent so many sleepless nights wondering what to do for my children and trying to figure out my options.  Why?  Why should I have to go back to work just to pay for an education that the state should be providing my children?  I know I will face these same issues as soon as Maddie enters school, because I do not see these issues going away or getting better.  I want to scream and throw something and stomp my feet until someone listens, but the ones who are making the laws are not listening.
So I sit here again, my mind racing with so many why questions.  Why does my son have to struggle?  Why can't things just come easy for him?  Why can't the one thing that does come easy for him be up to the standard that it should be?  Why is the state failing our children?  Why are we as parents allowing this to continue and not making our voice heard?   Why isn't anyone listening? Why?

Night before kindergarten

My dearest Noah,
It hardly seems possible that I am sitting here writing this to you.  I cannot believe that you are old enough to go to school.  It seems like yesterday you were taking your first steps and learning your first words. Tomorrow you will be taking a new first step.  It is the first step down the long path of education.  It is a wonderful journey filled with new experiences, new friends, and new ideas.  It is also a journey that will have some bumps a long the way; a bad grade, friends not acting nicely, broken hearts.  My hope for you is that this journey you are starting on will not only teach you information, but also life lessons.  I hope you will learn things that cannot be taught in a book.  I hope you will see all the wonder in the world around you.  I hope you will learn that all people are special no matter their differences.  I hope you will learn that even though you are small you can make a difference in the world.  You have so many possibilities ahead of you.  You are a bright, caring, and fun little guy.  You can do whatever your heart desires.  I hope that this journey will help you figure out what it is your heart desires.  And whatever that path is I will always support you, every step of the way.  Today those desires are to be a construction worker and an airplane "flyer".  I know that will change a million times, but just know that I am behind you 100% and I believe that you can do anything in this world.
Tomorrow as we walk into the school, I know that you are prepared for all the challenges ahead.  I also know that I am going to be a basket case.  I have already warned you that I am going to cry, and I know I will as I am fighting back tears right now.  These tears are not tears of sadness.  They are tears of disbelief.  I cannot believe that the same little guy I held hands with through the holes in the isolette in the NICU, is now starting kindergarten.  I want you to remember that I will be with you every step of the way, during the times of great joy and when there are bumps in the road.  I love you to the moon and back.  Have a great day in kindergarten my little man.
Love always,
Mommy

Happy 4 th birthday Noah!

Noah,
I am a month late in writing this letter, but what else is new?  Life moves so fast that there is little time to sit down and write.  This year has been a year of many new experiences and new challenges.  This year has been dominated with the realization that you have sensory processing disorder.  It has also been dominated by my determination to not let it stop you from achieving or doing anything you want. We had a very good experience with your wonderful OT and now we are on the other side of the diagnosis.  We have learned a lot and made tremendous progress.  You truly amaze me daily.  If you are not cracking us up with the things you say, you are showing me how smart you are.  You are a sweet, loving boy who has made our life a new, wonderful adventure everyday.  You have had some hard times this year with a visit to the hospital and having to stay a few days.  But even in that experience you showed me your strength.  You are an amazing kid and I know you are going to grow into an amazing man.  You have taught me how strong I am this year too.  I thought after we got through that first year, everything would be a piece of cake.  But this year has been very difficult at times.  It broke my heart to realize that you had something going on that was going to change your entire life.  But you showed me that it doesn't have to change your life in a negative way.  Through education and patience, we have all learned how to help you with your SPD.  And you showed me once again that I am stronger than I thought and can handle more than I thought possible.  You took everything in the stride.  SPD only meant that you made a new friend in Schel.  It didn't slow you down at all and you still enjoyed everyday and everything to the fullest.  You have the most wonderful laugh.  It is the type of laugh that could brighten the darkest day, and this year it has.  I feel blessed everyday that God gave me such a wonderful blessing.  You are my little ray of sunshine.  I cannot wait to see what this next year has in store for us.  But I do know that it will be exciting, as everyday with you is!  I love you my sweet guy!
Mommy

SPD

I have never blogged about this before, but now almost a year since we found out, I am finally starting to make sense of things.  We noticed some issues with Noah right before he turned three.  He was terrified of noises, blinking lights, movement, etc.  We had him evaluated by ECI and they diagnosed him with Sensory Processing Disorder.  This means that he does not process information the same way as other people.  He gets overstimulated with some things and under stimulated with others.  Once we learned more about SPD a lot of things that Noah did finally fell into place.  It all came together and made sense.  We were too close to his 3rd birthday to have ECI provide us services, so we started seeing an OT.  She is wonderful and he has made so much progress working with her.  In fact, yesterday, she told me that he is meeting all of his goals and we are going to phase out therapy.  I am excited that he is doing well, but I am sad to see therapy end.  It was so refreshing to have someone who understood what was going on.  I have met a lot of neat moms and kids at his appointments.  It is so great to see kids with many different issues making such amazing progress.  We feel very blessed that we found this place and our OT Schel.  It has been wonderful seeing Noah's progress.  He still has issues with some things, but nothing like before.  We have finally been able to potty train him, a major accomplishment since he does not have the same feelings in his body, and therefore does not know when he needs to go.  He is able to swing on swings now, something that we could not get him to do before.  He is able to write better, use his whole body more effectively, and is generally a happier child.  It is also made a difference in the way Toby and I deal with his behavior.  We have learned that some things that we were punishing him for were actually manifestations of his SPD.  We have read a lot of books and learned a lot about better ways to deal with him.  This has truly been an eye opening experience.   When you have a baby, you never imagine anything will be wrong.  We were not prepared for this journey, but we are better equipped now.  We are lucky to have a sensational kid!

2010

Here in the final hours of 2010, I am reminded of all the great things this year has brought.  My daughter (ok technically she was 2009, but it was for less than 2 weeks and she really didn't do much! :) ), my son has really blossomed and we have been blessed to find a wonderful occupational therapist that is working wonders for him, Toby's eyes have finally remained stable for a whole year, we have a great family, wonderful friends, nice house and cars, and we finally found a church that we love.  It has been a great year and I cannot wait to see what 2011 brings.

2010 overview

Jan. Maddie is a month old and starting to smile!

Feb We had a huge snowstorm in North Texas.  We got 14 inches of snow.

March We had a great spring break and lots of fun with Daddy.  We also had our landscaping redone.

April Maddie's first Easter, and our first trip to Main Street Arts Festival.

May Noah's 3rd birthday party at the zoo.  My mom graduated from TWU, and we had the kids dedicated at church.

June Our summer was off to a great start with lots of fun activities with Daddy home.

July  We started using cloth diapers and went on our first real vacation in a while to the beach.

August We end our vacation.  Toby started teaching a new subject. 

Sept.  Maddie is crawling all over the place now.  Noah starts seeing Schel our wonderful OT.

Oct. Maddie's first Halloween.

Nov.  Noah spent a couple of days in the hospital.  Maddie's first Thanksgiving was very eventful with her taking her first steps.

Dec.  Maddie's 1st birthday and a wonderful Christmas!  Maddie is walking everywhere now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

My awful picture experience

Here is a review I wrote of the Portrait innovations in Colleyville.


Let me start by saying that I have gone to the same portrait innovations for 3 years and we have never had a problem, but today was awful.  We went for my daughter's first birthday and Christmas pictures of my two kids.  The photographer was awful.  She was not good with the kids and we only got a couple were they were even smiling.  Then she kept rushing us.  At one point she said they were done with Christmas shots and I had to tell her to take some of the kids by themselves.  Then we took my daughter's pictures with a smash cake for her birthday.  After we were done, I went to clean her up and came back to find she was having trouble loading the pics on the comp.  She finally got them loaded only to find that she had lost over half of the pictures of my daughter with the cake.  I was upset and her response was excuse after excuse.  She decided to give me 15 free birthday cards.  I left and was not happy, as I can never get that back.  We waited 15 mins longer than they told us and then came back for our pictures and found out it was going to be another 15 mins, b/c the photographer had messed up the color splash.  When I told them I was unhappy with what had happened that day, I got more and more excuses.  I asked to speak to a manager, who very rudely told me that we only lost 10 pictures and made it sound like ti was not a big deal.  Almost all the pictures of her and the cake were gone and the ones we got were awful.  I told the manager that I did not think 15 free cards really made up for what had happened.  After more rudeness and more excuses, she finally agreed to refund half of the money.  Then when we got home we found that some of the pictures had a big white stripe down the side and the cd would only load some of the pictures that were supposed to be there.  I will never go back to the Colleyville, Tx location, as it was the worst experience I have ever had.

Happy birthday sweet girl

Dear Maddie,

I cannot believe that you are one today.  It seems like only yesterday we were welcoming you into the world and our family.  I cannot imagine life without you.  You have completed our family in such a wonderful way.  I was so excited when I found out you were a girl (now I have a match set!!!).  Having a daughter is a whole different world.  It meant frills and pink and hairbows.  I have loved every minute of it!  You have added such a joy to our lives.  You have the sweetest laugh, and nothing is better than hearing you laugh in the backseat with your brother.  It can make any bad day good.  I love the way that you love to shop.  It always makes me laugh when I see your little hands dart out of the cart or stroller to grab a new pair of clothes or shoes.  I love waking up every morning to your happy smiling face and then to your exuberant banging of the headboard!  Nothing is better than watching you dance up and down to the beats that you are making on the wall.  I cannot wait to see what type of girl you will grow into.  I look at you and wonder if you will be a tomboy or a princess or a little of both.  I am so blessed to be your mommy.  Happy birthday sweet girl.
Love,


Mommy